How to Get a Cat to Love Us

How do cats bond? What can we do to let the cat know we love them? How can we know the cat loves us?

Mithrandir, 4 months old, loves being with us

One of the beautiful things about cats is how they love us exactly in response to how much we love them.

Unlike dogs, who have a hierarchal social structure, cats have social reflexes which operate reciprocatively. In other words, cats treat others exactly how they have been treated.

If we act like we care that our cat's needs are met, if we act like we want our cats to see us as friends, if we respond as though our cat's feeling have meaning to us... our cat will get the picture.

They will figure out that we do love them.

In my experience, this is unique in the pet kingdom. Other animals will understand that our commitment to our experience is in proportion to what they bring to the experience. Other humans might lag behind in that understanding this transaction. But, nonetheless, cats realize that our care equals our caring.

When we are able to successfully convey to our cats that we care about their welfare, they will be able to understand and reciprocate.

For help with connection with our cats, see Cat Affection Move: The Love Blanket.

The right number of kittens

Sometimes, we shouldn't get one kitten. We should get two!

Here are some examples of when it's better to get two kittens:

Who would they play with if each were alone?

• When we are starting from scratch, and have no cats.
• When our present cat is too old to keep up with a kitten.
• When we have chosen a kitten who needs close companionship.

There are many shelters who encourage double adoptions, from offering a discount for a second cat to making sure cats leave the shelter in twos.

It's not just finding twice as many homes. It's much easier to get our cat's playtime and social needs meet when they have each other. This keeps our cats friendly and social with humans, too.

Some cats enjoy their solitude. But some cats really need lots of fellow cat playtime, like Alphas, or need a cat friend, like a Beta, or can use the reassurance of a fellow cat, like a Gamma.

If we are going to enjoy cats, we are going to want more. So getting cats two at a time create less friction and more fun... right from the beginning. To revitalize an older cat, or resolve a two cat conflict, Third Cat can be magic.

For an example of how this worked for a reader of mine, see Dear Pammy, It’s true about Cat Civilization.

How cats see us

Do cats see us as big cats?

Yes, they probably do. And we, sometimes. see our cats as small people, don't we?

Tristan will watch a movie. Without fish.

As seen at right, my cat Tristan is watching The Beast With a Million Eyes. It's not a a very good movie. It's also not a movie we would expect a cat to watch, being as it's not starring any fish, birds, or small rodents.

Tristan is also a talker, who asks for my attention with different "things" he says. When he wants to play on our apartment staircase, and then wants back in, he'll ring our hanging doorbells to let us know.

Certainly, Tristan can communicate his wishes, and he is a quick learner. It only took me showing him the bells twice for him to learn they would open the door.

I don't see his accomplishments as that different from a small, human, child. He asks for food and amusement and reassurance and for new things to be demonstrated to him.

When I'm not feeling well, he turns the tables, and tries to take care of me.

We are different species.

But in many ways, we are not that different.

For more, see Points of Engagement.

Multiple cat advantage: tattling!

One great reason to have multiple cats is how they will tell on each other.

Every family, classroom, or work group has at least one member who will tattle. Cats are the same way.

My three cat boys - James (l) is the tattletale

There are cats who come running to us when another cat is misbehaving. They are the kinds of cats who develop an understanding of our schedules and rules.

They find it uncomfortable to have these smooth routines disrupted. So whether it's a rowdy kitten or a cat who is taking over too much territory, these cats are quick to come to us when they feel other cats need policing.

This is a great advantage. We are in a better position to enforce fairness than the other cats are. But the other cats are in a better position to know what the other cats are up to than we are.

We should always encourage our cats to think of each other as friends. Maybe not best friends, but at least at the level of being social with each other.

Sometimes, like when another cat is sick or being bullied, we really need to know what is going on. So we can fix it.

For more about cats who like to supervise, see The Supervisor.

Cat litter training

It's really an oxymoron: cat litter training. Because our cat's instincts tell them what to do in the litter box. We just need to set it up correctly, and get out of the way.

Tristan, six months, in Litter Robot

Here is what our cat's instincts tell them:

• Pick a new spot.
  This is where the importance of clean litter comes in. Cats are drawn to it like iron to a magnet.
  That is because their survival depends on not letting their presence be known to other creatures. Who might want to eat them.
• Feel safe.
  If we put our litter box next to the furnace that comes on unexpectedly, we create a situation where our cat does not feel comfortable using their litter box.
  As much as we don't like using a gas station washroom, imagine using one while the door's not locked.
• Easy access.
  It's tempting to put the litter box as far away as possible. But then it's hard for our cat to get to, and we put off cleaning it.
  There's a reason architects don't put the bathrooms in the furthest corner of the basement. We shouldn't put the litter box there, either.

By giving our cat's bathroom the same care and attention we give our own, we create a litter box our cats love to use. Then, we're both happy!

For more on this subject, see Clean Litter, Happy Cats.

Adopting the older cat

Sadly, many people consider a six month old kitten to be too old to be adopted.

This is six months. This is also cute.

This makes no sense. It's highly likely our cat will make it to fifteen. Are we going to quibble over .01666% of their life?

When we find a love interest we want to be serious about, we expect to meet them when they are grown up and have some opinions.

That is what makes them interesting.

People like getting tiny kittens for more reasons than their teeny cuteness. They think they can mold the Cat to Come by getting them young. They think they will have maximum time with them. They think they can avoid a bad outcome.

But none of this is guaranteed.

And people, especially those new to cats, don't realize those teeny tiny kittens come with matching teeny tiny attention spans.

It takes months to train little baby kittens. That same task can take a single day with an older cat, who knows how to think.

While kittens are a lot of fun, there's also fun to be had when we adopt an older kitten, or even a grown cat. Because what matters is how compatible we are. No matter how young our kitten, they already have their own personality.

When we adopt an older cat, we can much more easily figure out what that personality, is.

Read a touching story of why I agree it is Never too late.