It seems difficult to make friends with our cats, until we remember the Golden Rule. We must treat the cat... the way they wish to be treated. NOT how we wish to treat them!
Maybe we are making one of the Three Big Mistakes of Cat Friendship?
Thinking they are a dog. Patting them firmly on the head, rough-housing with them, and expecting them to come when called every time; these are dog things. Not cat things.
Cats don't like being patted; they like being rubbed. Cats don't like to play rough; it's not that they like it, it's that many of them will not back down if they feel threatened. Cats will come when called; if we only call them for good things.
It doesn't make any sense to bring home a pint of chocolate fudge ice cream, and then complain it doesn't taste like bacon. Cats and dogs are two totally different kinds of pets. And they act like it.
Not seeing their signals. When cats peek at us from around a corner, or walk slowly through a room we are in, or go to sleep in our chair, what they are saying is they like us. They want to be near us and our things.
They are noticing us. Will we show friendship by noticing them back?
Cats are often subtle in their ways of showing friendship because they aren't sure about the reception their efforts will get. And if we don't realize they are making efforts, they feel hurt and neglected.
Wanting them to make the first move. Cats may not trust right away, especially if they had some bad experiences before they lived with us. Even kittens can want us to act more mature as they become cats and act more mature.
The biggest key to a cat's heart is to show that we want the cat's heart!
So seek them out when we come home, call them for treats or playtime, and make fools of ourselves over them. No one else is watching, and the cat won't tell.
Once we fuss over the cat, the cat is compelled to fuss over us.
Then they sit back to see if we can fuss more than they did. If we do, they will have to up the ante, too.
There's no end to love when we play that game.
There's many ways to make friends with our cats. Read more about getting the cat to love you.
What is the cat's name?
We must have a good name for our cat, because their name will shape their relationship with us.
Do we enjoy saying their name? Does it make us smile? Can the cat hear the pleasure in our voice when we say their name?
If not, we are already signaling our own indifference with a careless, lightly chosen, or even derogatory name.
Names like "Blackie," "Fluffy," or "Kitty" are not distinctive or delightful, are they? We know that; we do not say them with the proper happy tone.
At least putting something else there, like "Mister Blackie," "Princess Fluffy," or "Miss Kitty" makes them sound more important. Then the cat will feel more important.
While childhood names like "Stinky" or "Annoyance" seem funny at the time, we are not going to say these names with a lot of enthusiasm. Better to keep them as nicknames for use at the proper times.
It seems like a lot of trouble to go to, but that is exactly what our cat is looking for. They want to know we have gone to some trouble for them. That we care enough to go to some trouble.
An official name which reflects the cat's personality will be a reminder of the cat when they are not there, a way of showing affection when they are there, and a way to call them for good things.
A good name makes us, and the cat, happy.
Find out more about the power of cat names.
Do we enjoy saying their name? Does it make us smile? Can the cat hear the pleasure in our voice when we say their name?
If not, we are already signaling our own indifference with a careless, lightly chosen, or even derogatory name.
Names like "Blackie," "Fluffy," or "Kitty" are not distinctive or delightful, are they? We know that; we do not say them with the proper happy tone.
At least putting something else there, like "Mister Blackie," "Princess Fluffy," or "Miss Kitty" makes them sound more important. Then the cat will feel more important.
While childhood names like "Stinky" or "Annoyance" seem funny at the time, we are not going to say these names with a lot of enthusiasm. Better to keep them as nicknames for use at the proper times.
It seems like a lot of trouble to go to, but that is exactly what our cat is looking for. They want to know we have gone to some trouble for them. That we care enough to go to some trouble.
An official name which reflects the cat's personality will be a reminder of the cat when they are not there, a way of showing affection when they are there, and a way to call them for good things.
A good name makes us, and the cat, happy.
Find out more about the power of cat names.
How cats make us do their bidding
We obey the cat.
If we want to have a happy cat.
This isn't a bad thing at all. Haven't there been many times we wished we knew what the cat wanted?
We want a happy cat. Because a happy cat is a charming cat.
And who doesn't want to be charmed?
There is something wonderful about becoming the object of a cat's devoted attention.
Otherwise, so many people wouldn't enjoy doing it.
We can have a cat who greets us at the door, behaves themselves, and snuggles with us.
This is humorously expressed as "doing what the cat wants." Some people become uncomfortable when they realize getting affection from a cat is more challenging than a dog.
That instead of giving orders, we negotiate a mutually agreed upon strategy for each other's maximum satisfaction.
What else is a relationship for?
For more about what science has discovered about how cats really do enjoy bossing us around, see Why we do what cats want.
If we want to have a happy cat.
This isn't a bad thing at all. Haven't there been many times we wished we knew what the cat wanted?
We want a happy cat. Because a happy cat is a charming cat.
And who doesn't want to be charmed?
There is something wonderful about becoming the object of a cat's devoted attention.
Otherwise, so many people wouldn't enjoy doing it.
We can have a cat who greets us at the door, behaves themselves, and snuggles with us.
This is humorously expressed as "doing what the cat wants." Some people become uncomfortable when they realize getting affection from a cat is more challenging than a dog.
That instead of giving orders, we negotiate a mutually agreed upon strategy for each other's maximum satisfaction.
What else is a relationship for?
For more about what science has discovered about how cats really do enjoy bossing us around, see Why we do what cats want.
Myths about Cats
There are many myths about cats.
Cats are aloof, don't feel affection, are a poor pet choice.
All myths.
We can have an adoring, and adorable, companion. We simply need to understand cats.
The three biggest ways people mess this up:
1. Treating cats like dogs.
Now, most people treat their dogs well. But even the well-meaning make this mistake with cats. We cannot train, discipline, or treat our cat the way most people handle dogs.
We don't need to be the cat's boss. We shouldn't yell at them or hit them. (Or dogs, either.) We shouldn't look for signs of the cat showing affection the way a dog would.
They are different animals. That's the point.
2. Expecting the cat to always make the first move.
Even if we raised them as kittens, we can wonder where the cuddles went. It was because kittens are all give. But as they grow older, they want give and take.
So take the initiative with your cat. Be glad to see them. Then they will have a reason to be glad to see you.
3. Ignoring the cat's efforts at communication.
When the cat is in our way, what do we do? Ignore them, or even tell them to go away? How can they figure out when there's a good time to approach us if we never tell them what that is?
If we've been ignoring the cat all day, then settle on the couch and want cuddling, why are we so upset that we don't get it? If we treated a person this way, they would not be open to our overtures, either.
So notice the cat whenever they appear. Then they will be open to returning the favor.
Myths do no one any good; when they are wrong.
See more misconceptions about cats in cat myths.
Cats are aloof, don't feel affection, are a poor pet choice.
All myths.
We can have an adoring, and adorable, companion. We simply need to understand cats.
The three biggest ways people mess this up:
1. Treating cats like dogs.
Now, most people treat their dogs well. But even the well-meaning make this mistake with cats. We cannot train, discipline, or treat our cat the way most people handle dogs.
We don't need to be the cat's boss. We shouldn't yell at them or hit them. (Or dogs, either.) We shouldn't look for signs of the cat showing affection the way a dog would.
They are different animals. That's the point.
2. Expecting the cat to always make the first move.
Even if we raised them as kittens, we can wonder where the cuddles went. It was because kittens are all give. But as they grow older, they want give and take.
So take the initiative with your cat. Be glad to see them. Then they will have a reason to be glad to see you.
3. Ignoring the cat's efforts at communication.
When the cat is in our way, what do we do? Ignore them, or even tell them to go away? How can they figure out when there's a good time to approach us if we never tell them what that is?
If we've been ignoring the cat all day, then settle on the couch and want cuddling, why are we so upset that we don't get it? If we treated a person this way, they would not be open to our overtures, either.
So notice the cat whenever they appear. Then they will be open to returning the favor.
Myths do no one any good; when they are wrong.
See more misconceptions about cats in cat myths.
Are cats stubborn?
Yes, they are.
There are two reasons, though.
The main thing the cat is stubborn about is how they want to be taken care of. They can't help that. Their instincts are hard for them to ignore, like hunger, sleep, and thirst.
Often we think a cat is "misbehaving," but a lot of the time, the cat is just asking for what they need. If the cat seems to be focused on their food, water, or litter needs, maybe those needs should be met in a better way.
Constantly scratching the couch means they are asking for a scratching post that is not flimsy or has a similar surface.
Cats can't help but be stubborn when their instincts are demanding satisfaction. They can't help it.
Other ways cats can be stubborn are also communication clues.
Hiding means the cat is not yet comfortable with what they can expect from their house. Refusing to be petted means the cat does not trust us enough to share this close contact.
Any time a cat is stubborn about something, we are getting an important clue about what the cat wants, and what the cat needs.
Which is often the same thing.
Find out more about what cats are communicating.
There are two reasons, though.
The main thing the cat is stubborn about is how they want to be taken care of. They can't help that. Their instincts are hard for them to ignore, like hunger, sleep, and thirst.
Often we think a cat is "misbehaving," but a lot of the time, the cat is just asking for what they need. If the cat seems to be focused on their food, water, or litter needs, maybe those needs should be met in a better way.
Constantly scratching the couch means they are asking for a scratching post that is not flimsy or has a similar surface.
Cats can't help but be stubborn when their instincts are demanding satisfaction. They can't help it.
Other ways cats can be stubborn are also communication clues.
Hiding means the cat is not yet comfortable with what they can expect from their house. Refusing to be petted means the cat does not trust us enough to share this close contact.
Any time a cat is stubborn about something, we are getting an important clue about what the cat wants, and what the cat needs.
Which is often the same thing.
Find out more about what cats are communicating.
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