The point of a cat collar is so people know how to return our cat when they get lost.
Yet, we have to use safety collars; the kind that will easily let our cat out of them if they get caught on something.
So the collar we are counting on to get our cat back, might not be there when we need it the most.
If our cat doesn't mind wearing a collar, this might not matter. We can figure we have increased our odds, anyway. It also is a visible signal that this cat has someone who cares.
Still, we should not let a cat collar gives us a false sense of reassurance. And we certainly should not use the NON-safety collars.
Because of our cat's ability to eel in and out of small spaces, be cannot let our cat get trapped by a conventional collar.
That would be the worst thing of all.
Find out more about why I don’t like cat collars.
What does "Bless the Spot" Mean to Cats?
I call it Bless the Spot. What we are doing is letting our cat know where they are sleeping, or hanging out, is a good spot. One that will not get them in trouble.
If we take the trouble to Bless the Spot, we are saying:
we care
we care for their needs
this is a good spot!
It's easy to give affection to Tristan when he sleeps in the living room chair. Fussing over him, in a favorite spot, reassures him that he's chosen a safe place.
Find out more about how to Bless the Spot.
If we take the trouble to Bless the Spot, we are saying:
It's easy to give affection to Tristan when he sleeps in the living room chair. Fussing over him, in a favorite spot, reassures him that he's chosen a safe place.
- Pet them gently without disturbing them.
- Send them a cat kiss with our eyes if they can see us.
- Or, say their name in a sweet voice.
Find out more about how to Bless the Spot.
Used cats are a great bargain
People are scared about adopting shelter cats. Yet, this makes no sense.
The apprehension is based on worrying about taking on "other people's problems." But this is the backwards way of looking at it. What we are seeing are cats who are the scapegoat for their people's problems.
If we don't clean the litter enough, don't provide enough ways for the cat to amuse themselves, or neglect essential areas so that the cat feels compelled to bother us all the time? People drop the cat off at the shelter, and blame the cat.
I don't entirely blame the people involved, either. Once of my driving pressures is the fact that our society, and many like it, do not understand cats. In such a case, it is not surprising the people do not understand cats, either.
People treat cats like dogs, get poor results, have nowhere to go, and have a poor cat experience.
It is not the fault of the cat. But it isn't really the fault of the people, either.
Fact is, cats in shelters are a bargain. They are "fixed," vet-checked, often chipped, and pre-evaluated, and have many many years to give in return for their chance.
There's not a reason in the world not to.
For more about how many shelter cats are overlooked gems, see The cats no one wanted.
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| She was once "the most pathetic kitten in the shelter" |
If we don't clean the litter enough, don't provide enough ways for the cat to amuse themselves, or neglect essential areas so that the cat feels compelled to bother us all the time? People drop the cat off at the shelter, and blame the cat.
I don't entirely blame the people involved, either. Once of my driving pressures is the fact that our society, and many like it, do not understand cats. In such a case, it is not surprising the people do not understand cats, either.
People treat cats like dogs, get poor results, have nowhere to go, and have a poor cat experience.
It is not the fault of the cat. But it isn't really the fault of the people, either.
Fact is, cats in shelters are a bargain. They are "fixed," vet-checked, often chipped, and pre-evaluated, and have many many years to give in return for their chance.
There's not a reason in the world not to.
For more about how many shelter cats are overlooked gems, see The cats no one wanted.
What are "Cat Kisses"?
We give a "cat kiss" with the slow blink of our eyes.
As below, with Tristan, before the lower lids would start to pull up into the distinctive cat kiss squint.
Many people would look at this intent gaze and think there is angry or "mean" intent in the cat, when they are actually trying to engage our attention.
Cats have just as many facial expressions as people do. We only have to learn what they are.
Here, in RJ, we are almost at the fully closed eyes, which then get squeezed shut to show how much they care.
For more, see my blog post, Cat Affection Move: Cat Kisses.
As below, with Tristan, before the lower lids would start to pull up into the distinctive cat kiss squint.
Cats have just as many facial expressions as people do. We only have to learn what they are.
For more, see my blog post, Cat Affection Move: Cat Kisses.
Adult Cat Adoption - So easy!
What is the easiest, and best, way to get a cat? It's getting an adult cat from a shelter.
I'm fairly sure that is not the response most people would think of; something like "kittens given away" or "taking in the stray who shows up" would be what most people think of as The Easiest.
But it is all about how we define "easy," isn't it? These methods require little effort on our part... at first. Yet, they require the greatest effort in shaping this cat into a wonderful pet. Especially if we are new to cats.
The problem with cats as randomly found objects is that we need to do health and personality evaluations. Before giving them the run of our home and our heart.
Do we have a quarantine room we can set up?
Do we know what they are saying when they are upset and frightened?
Can we tell if they are sick or hurt or suffering?
A good shelter is able to answer a lot of these questions. Plus, we get vet care, ID chipping, and reassurance.
Kittens are delightful and cuddly but require more time and patience than adults. Adult cats should come home altered and up to date on their shots. It's great to get some idea of what this cat is like, and if that is what we want in our cat.
Adults are great starter cats because it is easier to develop communication skills. Things we like in kittens are also found in adult cats.
The problem is that people don't know how to make friends with adult cats. But that's easy!
I explain in The Bridge to Grown Cats.
I'm fairly sure that is not the response most people would think of; something like "kittens given away" or "taking in the stray who shows up" would be what most people think of as The Easiest.
But it is all about how we define "easy," isn't it? These methods require little effort on our part... at first. Yet, they require the greatest effort in shaping this cat into a wonderful pet. Especially if we are new to cats.The problem with cats as randomly found objects is that we need to do health and personality evaluations. Before giving them the run of our home and our heart.
Do we have a quarantine room we can set up?
Do we know what they are saying when they are upset and frightened?
Can we tell if they are sick or hurt or suffering?
A good shelter is able to answer a lot of these questions. Plus, we get vet care, ID chipping, and reassurance.
Kittens are delightful and cuddly but require more time and patience than adults. Adult cats should come home altered and up to date on their shots. It's great to get some idea of what this cat is like, and if that is what we want in our cat.
Adults are great starter cats because it is easier to develop communication skills. Things we like in kittens are also found in adult cats.
The problem is that people don't know how to make friends with adult cats. But that's easy!
I explain in The Bridge to Grown Cats.
What is the cat training concept, "Yours and Mine"?
There's a training technique I call yours and mine.
If our cat wants something, we don't frustrate them. We give them their own version to play with.
When Tristan was several months old, he kept getting in my way as I was sorting paperwork for taxes. This can be very exasperating!
But he was both a kitten who loves to play, and a cat who loves to share things with his people.
So I gave him a box lid and some stuff pulled from the recycling bin, and told him this was "his." He was very happy to imitate me, and even opened his own envelopes.
We are both less frustrated. We are both getting things done.
We are both, happier.
Often, our cat does not want the thing we are playing with... so much as they want to share the experience.
See my blog post about the training concept Yours and Mine.
If our cat wants something, we don't frustrate them. We give them their own version to play with.
But he was both a kitten who loves to play, and a cat who loves to share things with his people.
So I gave him a box lid and some stuff pulled from the recycling bin, and told him this was "his." He was very happy to imitate me, and even opened his own envelopes.
We are both less frustrated. We are both getting things done.
We are both, happier.
Often, our cat does not want the thing we are playing with... so much as they want to share the experience.
See my blog post about the training concept Yours and Mine.
How to make a cat obey
I often get asked, "How do I make my cat obey me?"
They are often baffled by my reply. I say, "We make them happy."
The connection between Affection and Obedience is often the missing element when we have cat training troubles.
This is entirely different from the way dogs work. Whenever we try to use dog techniques on cats, we wind up with unhappy cats and frustrated people. So, we shouldn't do that.
Cats, unlike people and dogs, are not pack animals. They don't have "social shortcuts" that let them understand they are supposed to obey in a certain situation. In fact, there is no situation where a cat feels like they should obey!
Cats are used to relying upon themselves, or, trusted friends. If we get into the Trusted Friends category in our cat's head, we can then be relied upon to give advice, like "don't wake me up at the crack of dawn" or "bad things happen when you climb the drapes."
What we need to do is:
It really is that simple.
For more about training with love, see The training rule that is always broken.
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| Reverend Jim, glad to do whatever is asked of him |
The connection between Affection and Obedience is often the missing element when we have cat training troubles.
This is entirely different from the way dogs work. Whenever we try to use dog techniques on cats, we wind up with unhappy cats and frustrated people. So, we shouldn't do that.
Cats, unlike people and dogs, are not pack animals. They don't have "social shortcuts" that let them understand they are supposed to obey in a certain situation. In fact, there is no situation where a cat feels like they should obey!
Cats are used to relying upon themselves, or, trusted friends. If we get into the Trusted Friends category in our cat's head, we can then be relied upon to give advice, like "don't wake me up at the crack of dawn" or "bad things happen when you climb the drapes."
What we need to do is:
- Learn their language.
- Make friends with our cats.
- Ask them to do us favors.
It really is that simple.
For more about training with love, see The training rule that is always broken.
Bringing the love
This is our two year old cat, Tristan, with all of his paws in my husband's sleeping hand.
Tristan loves love.
How can we get a cat who loves us this much?
Short version: we love them that much.
So of course we love our cat. How can we let the cat know?
That is the long version. We learn how to tell our cat we love them.
This is a skill like any other, and with practice, we all get better at it. In this photo, Tristan expresses his affection in the same way humans do. He is "holding hands."
Cats may not have opposable thumbs or movable eyebrows, as we do. But they do have the capacity for understanding, and using their own communication methods. We smile with our lips. They do the slow blinks of "cat kisses."
It means the same thing. It's sending a little love back and forth.
The thing about Tristan is that he is always touching base with us, by rubbing his head on our body, or talking in his trilly little voice, or snuggling up with us while we are sleeping. We make sure we return this gesture, with a head or belly rub, or just saying sweet things to him in our own, little, voices.
It might not be the same gestures with the same body parts. But the meaning; that's exactly the same!
Find out more with my post When Cats Imitate Us.
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| Tristan, always with the sweet gesture |
How can we get a cat who loves us this much?
Short version: we love them that much.
So of course we love our cat. How can we let the cat know?
That is the long version. We learn how to tell our cat we love them.
This is a skill like any other, and with practice, we all get better at it. In this photo, Tristan expresses his affection in the same way humans do. He is "holding hands."
Cats may not have opposable thumbs or movable eyebrows, as we do. But they do have the capacity for understanding, and using their own communication methods. We smile with our lips. They do the slow blinks of "cat kisses."
It means the same thing. It's sending a little love back and forth.
The thing about Tristan is that he is always touching base with us, by rubbing his head on our body, or talking in his trilly little voice, or snuggling up with us while we are sleeping. We make sure we return this gesture, with a head or belly rub, or just saying sweet things to him in our own, little, voices.
It might not be the same gestures with the same body parts. But the meaning; that's exactly the same!
Find out more with my post When Cats Imitate Us.
The different cat types
Cats are far from "all alike." Despite their persistent reputation as aloof killing machines, cats run a broad range of personality types, from quiet and detail-oriented to lively and kittenish.
It all depends on what kind of cat experience we seek.
Cats are highly emotional creatures who offer a variety of experience depths. But since the human default position is "indifference," and because cats are cautious about their trust, people often miss the distinctions that separate cat friendship from cat ownership.
The three cat types are:
Alpha: Lively, lithe, and a little bit loopy, Alpha-types are the kind of cat to get when our landlord won't allow monkeys. They need vertical playing surfaces to wear themselves out on, and plenty of things to do. They are natural clowns who love making us laugh.
In the shelter, look for leggy short-haired cats with triangular heads. Siamese, and their mixes, are the classic Alpha type.
Beta: Solid, mellow, and unflappable, Beta-types are team players who love the social interaction of close relationships. They are known for their quietly dry sense of humor. They are easily pleased and love to interact with us to meet mutual goals.
In the shelter, look for medium-bodied cats with round heads. British and American short-hairs, and their mixes, are the classic Beta type.
Gamma: Sweet, shy, and rarely getting into trouble, Gamma-types are happy with the little things in life. They are happy just being with their favorite people. While they are playful, they are the easiest to care for in small spaces.
In the shelter, look for medium-bodied cats with round heads. Persians, and their mixes, are the classic Gamma type.
With so many different variations on this theme; we can get the cat of our dreams.
Find out more about cat types.
It all depends on what kind of cat experience we seek.
Cats are highly emotional creatures who offer a variety of experience depths. But since the human default position is "indifference," and because cats are cautious about their trust, people often miss the distinctions that separate cat friendship from cat ownership.
The three cat types are:
Alpha: Lively, lithe, and a little bit loopy, Alpha-types are the kind of cat to get when our landlord won't allow monkeys. They need vertical playing surfaces to wear themselves out on, and plenty of things to do. They are natural clowns who love making us laugh.
In the shelter, look for leggy short-haired cats with triangular heads. Siamese, and their mixes, are the classic Alpha type.
Beta: Solid, mellow, and unflappable, Beta-types are team players who love the social interaction of close relationships. They are known for their quietly dry sense of humor. They are easily pleased and love to interact with us to meet mutual goals.
In the shelter, look for medium-bodied cats with round heads. British and American short-hairs, and their mixes, are the classic Beta type.
Gamma: Sweet, shy, and rarely getting into trouble, Gamma-types are happy with the little things in life. They are happy just being with their favorite people. While they are playful, they are the easiest to care for in small spaces.
In the shelter, look for medium-bodied cats with round heads. Persians, and their mixes, are the classic Gamma type.
With so many different variations on this theme; we can get the cat of our dreams.
Find out more about cat types.
Can cats feel jealous?
Cats not only feel jealous; this behavior is often encouraged by a human who mistakes jealousy for love.
When our cat indicates they "want us all to themselves," by driving away others who show us affection, we often make the mistake of celebrating the dysfunction. We feel flattered that our cat loves us so much. We laugh. We indicate that this pleases us, and we "love" the cat back.
The problem is that this is not how love acts. This is an indicator of insecurity.
The problem of jealousy is that it is a symptom of scarcity. It acts from defensiveness. It says, there isn't enough love to go around.
This is a fundamental misunderstanding of how love works. Love only lives where there is trust. Love grows when it is celebrated. Love increases when it is shared.
If we laugh and feel flattered when our cat clings to us, we are demonstrating our own insecurity. We don't want our cat to like other people. We want their love to be only for us. But this creates a trap where we cannot enjoy the cat when we are around other beings. We cannot get another cat. We cannot share our love; and so, we all have less.
If we act in ways that supports our cat and show them there is plenty of love; then there will be. For everyone.
Here's how to fix the jealous cat.
When our cat indicates they "want us all to themselves," by driving away others who show us affection, we often make the mistake of celebrating the dysfunction. We feel flattered that our cat loves us so much. We laugh. We indicate that this pleases us, and we "love" the cat back.
The problem is that this is not how love acts. This is an indicator of insecurity.
The problem of jealousy is that it is a symptom of scarcity. It acts from defensiveness. It says, there isn't enough love to go around.
This is a fundamental misunderstanding of how love works. Love only lives where there is trust. Love grows when it is celebrated. Love increases when it is shared.
If we laugh and feel flattered when our cat clings to us, we are demonstrating our own insecurity. We don't want our cat to like other people. We want their love to be only for us. But this creates a trap where we cannot enjoy the cat when we are around other beings. We cannot get another cat. We cannot share our love; and so, we all have less.
If we act in ways that supports our cat and show them there is plenty of love; then there will be. For everyone.
Here's how to fix the jealous cat.
What makes cats friendly?
Many people feel that a major drawback to cats as pets is that they lack the "instant friendship" dogs extend to... well, everyone.
This is enjoyable in social gatherings, provided our friends enjoy dogs as much as we do. Can we get this same happy environment with our cats?
We can! It simply takes a little more time and a bit more cooperation. And... provided our friends enjoy cats as much as we do.
Because dog friendship is built on our existence. Dogs are disposed to be friendly with, and subservient to, other beings because that is what pack animals do.
Cat friendship is built on trust. We need to show ourselves as worthy. Once we are; we are covered with love like toast and butter.
But so many people do not get that far. They bring their prejudices to the table when it comes to cats. They expect instant acceptance, do not get it, and declare cats to be aloof and lacking in affection.
Cats like to be asked.
When we encounter a new cat, we should flirt with our eyes, paying attention in subtle little ways. We should respect their person and their dignity. We should not rough-house with the cat, like smacking them on the head with pats or rubbing their belly like a magic lamp.
Whether it is our cat or someone else's, we should act like we are thrilled to be in the cat's presence; yet we are containing our excitement because we respect them so much. This tells our cat, in cat language, that we are "good enough" to be their friend. And that is what we want to be, isn't it?
Imagine meeting your favorite celebrity. We don't want to make fools of ourselves, and we do want to convey our respect and appreciation of what their work has done for us.
That's about right.
Find out more about helping our cats to be friendly with Cats who like our friends.
This is enjoyable in social gatherings, provided our friends enjoy dogs as much as we do. Can we get this same happy environment with our cats?
We can! It simply takes a little more time and a bit more cooperation. And... provided our friends enjoy cats as much as we do.
Because dog friendship is built on our existence. Dogs are disposed to be friendly with, and subservient to, other beings because that is what pack animals do.
Cat friendship is built on trust. We need to show ourselves as worthy. Once we are; we are covered with love like toast and butter.
But so many people do not get that far. They bring their prejudices to the table when it comes to cats. They expect instant acceptance, do not get it, and declare cats to be aloof and lacking in affection.
Cats like to be asked.
When we encounter a new cat, we should flirt with our eyes, paying attention in subtle little ways. We should respect their person and their dignity. We should not rough-house with the cat, like smacking them on the head with pats or rubbing their belly like a magic lamp.
Whether it is our cat or someone else's, we should act like we are thrilled to be in the cat's presence; yet we are containing our excitement because we respect them so much. This tells our cat, in cat language, that we are "good enough" to be their friend. And that is what we want to be, isn't it?
Imagine meeting your favorite celebrity. We don't want to make fools of ourselves, and we do want to convey our respect and appreciation of what their work has done for us.
That's about right.
Find out more about helping our cats to be friendly with Cats who like our friends.
What are cats for?
A popular way to denigrate the benefits of cat as pets is to assume that if we don't need rodents dispatched, cats are useless.
My response is to laugh; rather sarcastically.
Yeah, right.
These folks get Dalmations because they need a dog to run alongside their horse-drawn coach all day. Or they get a Labrador to bring them ducks they have shot. Or they get a Mastiff to bring down anyone who gets across their moat.
Come on.
People get dogs as companions, without too much regard for how this breed originally fulfilled their expected duties. In fact, they get in trouble all the time because they get a dog without considering the dog's original purpose, or how they are going to manage those needs in a modern environment.
Cats make much more sense in their ability to transition to a modern environment. If we don't live on a farm with a grain silo, it's true: we don't need a cat as rodent control. But when it comes to being a companion, especially in a confined, urban, or otherwise constrained environment, cats truly shine.
For more, see my blog post, What Cats Are For.
My response is to laugh; rather sarcastically.
Yeah, right.
These folks get Dalmations because they need a dog to run alongside their horse-drawn coach all day. Or they get a Labrador to bring them ducks they have shot. Or they get a Mastiff to bring down anyone who gets across their moat.
Come on.
People get dogs as companions, without too much regard for how this breed originally fulfilled their expected duties. In fact, they get in trouble all the time because they get a dog without considering the dog's original purpose, or how they are going to manage those needs in a modern environment.
Cats make much more sense in their ability to transition to a modern environment. If we don't live on a farm with a grain silo, it's true: we don't need a cat as rodent control. But when it comes to being a companion, especially in a confined, urban, or otherwise constrained environment, cats truly shine.
For more, see my blog post, What Cats Are For.
The cycle of neglect
When we don't spay or neuter our cat, we create a situation where there are more cats without homes.
Even if we give those cats homes. These are slots other cats desperately need, aren't they?
We don't do our cats any favors by not altering them, either. Driven by their hormones, they will howl, escape from the house, roam and fight, and pick up injuries and disease. The "call of the wild" is Nature making sure the next generation of cats gets born. That's going far too well, to judge from the number of needy faces in the shelter.
This is what creates feral cat colonies, where homeless cats draw on their instincts to survive; not in the actual wild, but in our civilization. They are seen as nuisances and usually are either harassed and neglected, or taken to shelters where they are killed as un-adoptable.
This is a tremendous amount of suffering and death that can be completely avoided; simply by making sure our cat starts out life as a beloved pet, and getting the altering that will keep them in this happy state.
For more about all the effort that goes into saving one such neglected cat, see Tristan's Brother?
Even if we give those cats homes. These are slots other cats desperately need, aren't they?
We don't do our cats any favors by not altering them, either. Driven by their hormones, they will howl, escape from the house, roam and fight, and pick up injuries and disease. The "call of the wild" is Nature making sure the next generation of cats gets born. That's going far too well, to judge from the number of needy faces in the shelter.
This is what creates feral cat colonies, where homeless cats draw on their instincts to survive; not in the actual wild, but in our civilization. They are seen as nuisances and usually are either harassed and neglected, or taken to shelters where they are killed as un-adoptable.
This is a tremendous amount of suffering and death that can be completely avoided; simply by making sure our cat starts out life as a beloved pet, and getting the altering that will keep them in this happy state.
For more about all the effort that goes into saving one such neglected cat, see Tristan's Brother?
Why aren't cats obedient?
It's a common complaint about cats: they don't obey.
I find this a little funny. Do these complainers have dogs who obey? Children? Spouses?
I have also had dogs, and they were obedience trained. I had a Newfoundland mix who was housebroken in two days. I had a Malamute mix who once held a sit/stay for almost 20 minutes when I got distracted. I had a Norwegian Elkhound mix who knew 20 tricks.
Do I have cats who are trained like that? No... because cats would require much more effort to be trained like that. Training my dogs was a process we both enjoyed. Cats have different instincts.
Dogs are pack animals who are expecting to be told what to do. How they react depends on their breed and their individual drive; what I call will to power. I had a spaniel mix whose reaction to any new household addition was to roll over and show his belly. This dog never cared to be the boss.
While my Malamute mix insisted on being the boss of one area; security. I decided he had better qualifications that I did; and I let him decide who came in through the front door.
Cats assume they are the boss; of themselves.
This is where a lot of cat misconceptions come in. We see that cats don't want to be bossed. We assume cats want to be our boss. But that is not how cats think.
The best way to think of our cat relationship is that of a friendship among equals.
Because that's how cats think of it.
For more about proper cat training, see The Myth of Obedience.
I find this a little funny. Do these complainers have dogs who obey? Children? Spouses?
I have also had dogs, and they were obedience trained. I had a Newfoundland mix who was housebroken in two days. I had a Malamute mix who once held a sit/stay for almost 20 minutes when I got distracted. I had a Norwegian Elkhound mix who knew 20 tricks.
Do I have cats who are trained like that? No... because cats would require much more effort to be trained like that. Training my dogs was a process we both enjoyed. Cats have different instincts.
Dogs are pack animals who are expecting to be told what to do. How they react depends on their breed and their individual drive; what I call will to power. I had a spaniel mix whose reaction to any new household addition was to roll over and show his belly. This dog never cared to be the boss.
While my Malamute mix insisted on being the boss of one area; security. I decided he had better qualifications that I did; and I let him decide who came in through the front door.
Cats assume they are the boss; of themselves.
This is where a lot of cat misconceptions come in. We see that cats don't want to be bossed. We assume cats want to be our boss. But that is not how cats think.
The best way to think of our cat relationship is that of a friendship among equals.
Because that's how cats think of it.
For more about proper cat training, see The Myth of Obedience.
How can we tell our cat likes us?
Cats are always compared to dogs. This really ruins a human's "happy when I come home" expectations.
If we are expecting the same kind of Big Show a dog gives us, we are going to be perpetually disappointed. It's great that dogs are so demonstrative about it, but cats are just as happy to see us.
They are simply going to show it in smaller ways.
These actions, shown in order of increasing trust, are the ways cats show affection. We aren't going to get to the last one until we start reacting to the first one. In the meantime, we are telling our cat we are either too stupid to know what an offer of friendship is... or we don't care about them.
Either way, this relationship is not going anywhere.
A dog's life is about, as they say in show business, "going big." They run around in large packs, chasing prey, eating in big free-for-alls and barking like crazy. This was how they started in the wild, and this is how they are now. And that's great, for them.
Cats are stealth hunters. They outwit, outgame, outlast, and only at the end do they outrun. They are always about the subtleties of a situation. They always "start small" and build. That's how they started in the wild; and they haven't changed a bit.
A cat showing things in small ways does not mean what they feel is small.
For more about understanding cat emotions, see This IS my enthusiastic face.
If we are expecting the same kind of Big Show a dog gives us, we are going to be perpetually disappointed. It's great that dogs are so demonstrative about it, but cats are just as happy to see us.
They are simply going to show it in smaller ways.
- Showing up.
- Appearing in our line of sight.
- Making eye contact and blinking.
- Rubbing a head or shoulder on us.
- Talking.
- Pushing their face into ours, purring, and melting into our arms.
These actions, shown in order of increasing trust, are the ways cats show affection. We aren't going to get to the last one until we start reacting to the first one. In the meantime, we are telling our cat we are either too stupid to know what an offer of friendship is... or we don't care about them.
Either way, this relationship is not going anywhere.
A dog's life is about, as they say in show business, "going big." They run around in large packs, chasing prey, eating in big free-for-alls and barking like crazy. This was how they started in the wild, and this is how they are now. And that's great, for them.
Cats are stealth hunters. They outwit, outgame, outlast, and only at the end do they outrun. They are always about the subtleties of a situation. They always "start small" and build. That's how they started in the wild; and they haven't changed a bit.
A cat showing things in small ways does not mean what they feel is small.
For more about understanding cat emotions, see This IS my enthusiastic face.
The fun of pets
What do we want from our pets?
It's a good question. Because there's no denying that pets come with downsides; when we go away ,when we need to buy supplies, when we come home and don't want to do anything... yet our pet needs attention.
It's worth remembering that attention is what we got the pets for.
We wanted a little face who cared how our day went. Old or young; single or one of a large family; verbal or not; we all want someone who cares, cares a lot, about how our day went. This is the impulse that drives us to not come home to an empty room or apartment or house.
Cats are an excellent choice for a wide range of such needs. One of the advantages of cats which is not recognized as such is the way cats do well when they come in packages. Cats, when properly chosen and handled, are pets who blend well.
This can come as a surprise to those who are not aware of just how much fun cats in groups can be. They are used to cats, badly handled, who have their territorial instincts jammed into overdrive. These cats hide, fight with each other, and force their people to create non-overlapping territories, just to have peace.
These are cats who have been handled wrong. From not altering them early enough, or not at all; from throwing them together when they are not ready to frustrating their social impulses, there's no end to the ways people can mess up this most enjoyable aspect of cats.
Find out how to have your own Village of Elves.
It's a good question. Because there's no denying that pets come with downsides; when we go away ,when we need to buy supplies, when we come home and don't want to do anything... yet our pet needs attention.
It's worth remembering that attention is what we got the pets for.
We wanted a little face who cared how our day went. Old or young; single or one of a large family; verbal or not; we all want someone who cares, cares a lot, about how our day went. This is the impulse that drives us to not come home to an empty room or apartment or house.
Cats are an excellent choice for a wide range of such needs. One of the advantages of cats which is not recognized as such is the way cats do well when they come in packages. Cats, when properly chosen and handled, are pets who blend well.
This can come as a surprise to those who are not aware of just how much fun cats in groups can be. They are used to cats, badly handled, who have their territorial instincts jammed into overdrive. These cats hide, fight with each other, and force their people to create non-overlapping territories, just to have peace.
These are cats who have been handled wrong. From not altering them early enough, or not at all; from throwing them together when they are not ready to frustrating their social impulses, there's no end to the ways people can mess up this most enjoyable aspect of cats.
Find out how to have your own Village of Elves.
Why do cats turn their backs?
Why do cats turn their backs?
In cat language, this is saying, You have hurt my feelings.
It often follows up a greeting and we can feel hurt. Didn't they miss us? Yes, they did! And this is how they say so.
Cats do this to let us know they felt pushed aside for other interests. What is the right way to respond?
Acknowledge the hurt feelings. If we've been away for the evening or for the fortnight, they missed us. Isn't that sweet? The way cats say they've missed us is to show their hurt. That's what the Turned Back is about.
Let them know, we've missed them, too.
Make it up to them. We should apologize. Did we mean to hurt their feelings? Of course not. We hurt them by making them think they had been abandoned. When we were small, we felt the same way if Mom and Dad left us with someone else too long.
So offer them treats, let them smell our souvenirs, or explore our suitcase.
Don't retaliate, reciprocate. We can misinterpret the Turned Back and think it means our cat didn't miss us, but what our cat is saying is the opposite. The more the cat tries to pretend their feelings aren't hurt; the more they are.
Tell them they are right. We were awful not to take them with us, but they wouldn't have liked that, either.
Find out more with the article, Cat Communication Move: the Turned Back.
In cat language, this is saying, You have hurt my feelings.
It often follows up a greeting and we can feel hurt. Didn't they miss us? Yes, they did! And this is how they say so.
Cats do this to let us know they felt pushed aside for other interests. What is the right way to respond?
Acknowledge the hurt feelings. If we've been away for the evening or for the fortnight, they missed us. Isn't that sweet? The way cats say they've missed us is to show their hurt. That's what the Turned Back is about.
Let them know, we've missed them, too.
Make it up to them. We should apologize. Did we mean to hurt their feelings? Of course not. We hurt them by making them think they had been abandoned. When we were small, we felt the same way if Mom and Dad left us with someone else too long.
So offer them treats, let them smell our souvenirs, or explore our suitcase.
Don't retaliate, reciprocate. We can misinterpret the Turned Back and think it means our cat didn't miss us, but what our cat is saying is the opposite. The more the cat tries to pretend their feelings aren't hurt; the more they are.
Tell them they are right. We were awful not to take them with us, but they wouldn't have liked that, either.
Find out more with the article, Cat Communication Move: the Turned Back.
The three cat types
People tend to think of cats as "all alike." But nothing could be further from the truth.
These three cats are all boys, all tabbies, all raised from kittens in my home. They all love cuddles and affection, play with each other, and behave like gentlemen.
They are three very different cats.
James Bond has always adored me, but took a few years to reach that level with my husband. He is still shy with strangers, and takes a while to make friends of them. He takes it upon himself to monitor all activity around the place, and will summon me if an object or situation needs attention. He amuses himself with his favorite toys.
Reverend Jim is highly affectionate with everyone, if they pet him in a way that preserves his dignity. He might hide at first, but once encouraged will quickly warm up, meet and greet, and curl up on a living room chair. RJ sees his only responsibility as behaving as I request; but he can forget in the heat of the moment. He has particular games he loves to play, and relies on me to provide them, even if he forgets to ask.
Sir Tristan is a cuddle bunny who needs to touch base a dozen times a day. He loves to show off for guests. He might not let them pet him on short notice, now that he's grown up, but he wants to be the center of attention. He tries to "be good" but his mind moves like quicksilver and he often loses focus. He does not have any concept of responsibility. He requires a cat tree, popup cubes to hide in, and a lot of sponge balls. He has no trouble keeping himself amused; our task is to remind him what is not a toy.
James Bond has a lot of Gamma tendencies; he's self-contained, self-amusing, and likes routine. He hates to misbehave and leaves our things alone. Reverend Jim is all Beta; he's social, friends with everyone, and easily trained once he has matured. Sir Tristan leans towards the Alpha side of the cat spectrum; high energy, bright and mischievous, always looking for something to explore.
These three cats are good examples of the three different Cat Types. While they are distinct individuals who express their type tendencies in their own ways, they developed predictably, from young kittenhood, because I accurately figured out what Cat Type they were. This is how we can choose the right cat for us.
Learn all the cat types.
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| James Bond (top) Reverend Jim (left) Sir Tristan (right) |
They are three very different cats.
James Bond has always adored me, but took a few years to reach that level with my husband. He is still shy with strangers, and takes a while to make friends of them. He takes it upon himself to monitor all activity around the place, and will summon me if an object or situation needs attention. He amuses himself with his favorite toys.
Reverend Jim is highly affectionate with everyone, if they pet him in a way that preserves his dignity. He might hide at first, but once encouraged will quickly warm up, meet and greet, and curl up on a living room chair. RJ sees his only responsibility as behaving as I request; but he can forget in the heat of the moment. He has particular games he loves to play, and relies on me to provide them, even if he forgets to ask.
Sir Tristan is a cuddle bunny who needs to touch base a dozen times a day. He loves to show off for guests. He might not let them pet him on short notice, now that he's grown up, but he wants to be the center of attention. He tries to "be good" but his mind moves like quicksilver and he often loses focus. He does not have any concept of responsibility. He requires a cat tree, popup cubes to hide in, and a lot of sponge balls. He has no trouble keeping himself amused; our task is to remind him what is not a toy.
James Bond has a lot of Gamma tendencies; he's self-contained, self-amusing, and likes routine. He hates to misbehave and leaves our things alone. Reverend Jim is all Beta; he's social, friends with everyone, and easily trained once he has matured. Sir Tristan leans towards the Alpha side of the cat spectrum; high energy, bright and mischievous, always looking for something to explore.
These three cats are good examples of the three different Cat Types. While they are distinct individuals who express their type tendencies in their own ways, they developed predictably, from young kittenhood, because I accurately figured out what Cat Type they were. This is how we can choose the right cat for us.
Learn all the cat types.
Cats have to hide their love away
Many people think cats are not affectionate because they have never gotten affection from a cat.
With that attitude, they never will.
As humans, we cannot do anything we are unable to imagine, first. So if we do not think a certain thing is possible, we do not even try. This is the roadblock many cats run into in their quest for homes.
If we have every been puzzled about why people acquire and enjoy multiple cats, it's not that they are "animal hoarders" and it's not that they are delusional. They actually get affection from cats; so much that they want more.
Unfortunately, if we do not think cats are affectionate; we are not going to see cat lovers as rational beings making a sensible choice. If we do not understand when cats do make affectionate overtures, we will not know they want to be friends.
Simple ways people go wrong are easily fixed:
For more about loving our cat in ways they understand, see Fixing cats who won’t cuddle.
With that attitude, they never will.
As humans, we cannot do anything we are unable to imagine, first. So if we do not think a certain thing is possible, we do not even try. This is the roadblock many cats run into in their quest for homes.
- People "wind up" with a cat.
- They hear cats are not affectionate.
- They don't make affectionate overtures.
- Cat thinks people are not affectionate.
- Love stalemate.
If we have every been puzzled about why people acquire and enjoy multiple cats, it's not that they are "animal hoarders" and it's not that they are delusional. They actually get affection from cats; so much that they want more.
Unfortunately, if we do not think cats are affectionate; we are not going to see cat lovers as rational beings making a sensible choice. If we do not understand when cats do make affectionate overtures, we will not know they want to be friends.
Simple ways people go wrong are easily fixed:
- Don't treat the cat as though they were a dog. They are not a dog.
- Many "pets" are actually threatening to cats; like bouncing our hand on their head.
- Invite the cat in; don't chase them down.
- Learn the cat's ways of showing they like us.
- Show the cat affection in a way they like.
For more about loving our cat in ways they understand, see Fixing cats who won’t cuddle.
Why won't the cat behave?
If one of our New Year's Resolutions is "getting along better with our cat," congratulations! It's a wonderful life skill to admit a mistake, and correct it.
Of course I'm assuming it was the human who made the mistakes; and keeps making them. Because our cat has less operating "wiggle room" than we do. If we do not provide for their needs, they will keep trying to fill that gap for themselves. Often, this leads to what we call "bad behavior."
And it might be our fault.
Not using the litter box. Is the litter box clean and easily accessible? If not, why not? Do we choose the gas station washroom over a nicer alternative?
Our cat's instincts tell them to use "fresh territory" to confuse their enemies. So when we let the box get ugly, our own cat's instincts tell them not to use it! We might be wondering why the cat keeps returning to their other alternatives. But we clean those right away, don't we?
Playing with stuff they shouldn't. If we are constantly chasing our cat away from things, it's because we haven't given them their own places, and their own stuff.
Just like us, cats need space of their own. They need spots to hang out in, nap in, play with, observe, and participate. If we are not addressing these needs, the cat will take matters into their own paws.
Not being affectionate. So we don't clean their bathroom enough, and yell at them for going about their daily lives, and then we expect them to curl up in our lap and beg for petting?
It doesn't make any sense. When we treat our cat like a beloved friend; then they will act like one.
If we are not keeping our cats comfortable, it does not matter that we think we are keeping up our end. We only think that's so; our cat will signal if it is actually true.
For more about letting cats know what pleases us, see When they mean well.
Of course I'm assuming it was the human who made the mistakes; and keeps making them. Because our cat has less operating "wiggle room" than we do. If we do not provide for their needs, they will keep trying to fill that gap for themselves. Often, this leads to what we call "bad behavior."
And it might be our fault.
Not using the litter box. Is the litter box clean and easily accessible? If not, why not? Do we choose the gas station washroom over a nicer alternative?
Our cat's instincts tell them to use "fresh territory" to confuse their enemies. So when we let the box get ugly, our own cat's instincts tell them not to use it! We might be wondering why the cat keeps returning to their other alternatives. But we clean those right away, don't we?
Playing with stuff they shouldn't. If we are constantly chasing our cat away from things, it's because we haven't given them their own places, and their own stuff.
Just like us, cats need space of their own. They need spots to hang out in, nap in, play with, observe, and participate. If we are not addressing these needs, the cat will take matters into their own paws.
Not being affectionate. So we don't clean their bathroom enough, and yell at them for going about their daily lives, and then we expect them to curl up in our lap and beg for petting?
It doesn't make any sense. When we treat our cat like a beloved friend; then they will act like one.
If we are not keeping our cats comfortable, it does not matter that we think we are keeping up our end. We only think that's so; our cat will signal if it is actually true.
For more about letting cats know what pleases us, see When they mean well.
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