How to Get a Cat to Love Us

How do cats bond? What can we do to let the cat know we love them? How can we know the cat loves us?

Mithrandir, 4 months old, loves being with us

One of the beautiful things about cats is how they love us exactly in response to how much we love them.

Unlike dogs, who have a hierarchal social structure, cats have social reflexes which operate reciprocatively. In other words, cats treat others exactly how they have been treated.

If we act like we care that our cat's needs are met, if we act like we want our cats to see us as friends, if we respond as though our cat's feeling have meaning to us... our cat will get the picture.

They will figure out that we do love them.

In my experience, this is unique in the pet kingdom. Other animals will understand that our commitment to our experience is in proportion to what they bring to the experience. Other humans might lag behind in that understanding this transaction. But, nonetheless, cats realize that our care equals our caring.

When we are able to successfully convey to our cats that we care about their welfare, they will be able to understand and reciprocate.

For help with connection with our cats, see Cat Affection Move: The Love Blanket.

Fit our cat into our life

If we feel we are not getting enough cat companionship, we might not be "letting the cat into our life" enough. The more we involve our cat in daily activities, the more we enjoy time with our cat... without trying.

I know that letting the cat "help" us with changing the sheets, putting groceries away, and assembling our hobby items, is not efficient. But it is: fun. We have to look at our cat's input as something enjoyable.

Because they do.

Cats love doing things with us. We are the Masters of the Universe. We make food appear out of round metal objects. A simple gesture makes fresh water happen. And they love to interact with us, because they love us and want to spend time with us.

All of this gets thrown away when we don't make the small amount of effort required to fit the cat into our life.

We get a pet so we have someone living to share our life with. This is a simple fact. If we want something more complex, we get a life partner. If we want something simple, we get a goldfish.

A cat is the perfect balance between these two extremes. Flexible enough to adapt to any circumstance, yet intelligent and emotional enough to fulfill human needs.

So make room, for our cat, in our life. We will both appreciate it.

For more, see Companionship Timing.

Bringing the love

This is our two year old cat, Tristan, with all of his paws in my husband's sleeping hand.

Tristan, always with the sweet gesture

Tristan loves love.

How can we get a cat who loves us this much?

Short version: we love them that much.

So of course we love our cat. How can we let the cat know?

That is the long version. We learn how to tell our cat we love them.

This is a skill like any other, and with practice, we all get better at it. In this photo, Tristan expresses his affection in the same way humans do. He is "holding hands."

Cats may not have opposable thumbs or movable eyebrows, as we do. But they do have the capacity for understanding, and using their own communication methods. We smile with our lips. They do the slow blinks of "cat kisses."

It means the same thing. It's sending a little love back and forth.

The thing about Tristan is that he is always touching base with us, by rubbing his head on our body, or talking in his trilly little voice, or snuggling up with us while we are sleeping. We make sure we return this gesture, with a head or belly rub, or just saying sweet things to him in our own, little, voices.

It might not be the same gestures with the same body parts. But the meaning; that's exactly the same!

Find out more with my post When Cats Imitate Us.

Can cats feel jealous?

Cats not only feel jealous; this behavior is often encouraged by a human who mistakes jealousy for love.

When our cat indicates they "want us all to themselves," by driving away others who show us affection, we often make the mistake of celebrating the dysfunction. We feel flattered that our cat loves us so much. We laugh. We indicate that this pleases us, and we "love" the cat back.

The problem is that this is not how love acts. This is an indicator of insecurity.

The problem of jealousy is that it is a symptom of scarcity. It acts from defensiveness. It says, there isn't enough love to go around.

This is a fundamental misunderstanding of how love works. Love only lives where there is trust. Love grows when it is celebrated. Love increases when it is shared.

If we laugh and feel flattered when our cat clings to us, we are demonstrating our own insecurity. We don't want our cat to like other people. We want their love to be only for us. But this creates a trap where we cannot enjoy the cat when we are around other beings. We cannot get another cat. We cannot share our love; and so, we all have less.

If we act in ways that supports our cat and show them there is plenty of love; then there will be. For everyone.

Here's how to fix the jealous cat.

How can we tell our cat likes us?

Cats are always compared to dogs. This really ruins a human's "happy when I come home" expectations.

If we are expecting the same kind of Big Show a dog gives us, we are going to be perpetually disappointed. It's great that dogs are so demonstrative about it, but cats are just as happy to see us.

They are simply going to show it in smaller ways.

• Showing up.
• Appearing in our line of sight.
• Making eye contact and blinking.
• Rubbing a head or shoulder on us.
• Talking.
• Pushing their face into ours, purring, and melting into our arms.

These actions, shown in order of increasing trust, are the ways cats show affection. We aren't going to get to the last one until we start reacting to the first one. In the meantime, we are telling our cat we are either too stupid to know what an offer of friendship is... or we don't care about them.

Either way, this relationship is not going anywhere.

A dog's life is about, as they say in show business, "going big." They run around in large packs, chasing prey, eating in big free-for-alls and barking like crazy. This was how they started in the wild, and this is how they are now. And that's great, for them.

Cats are stealth hunters. They outwit, outgame, outlast, and only at the end do they outrun. They are always about the subtleties of a situation. They always "start small" and build. That's how they started in the wild; and they haven't changed a bit.

A cat showing things in small ways does not mean what they feel is small.

For more about understanding cat emotions, see This IS my enthusiastic face.

Cats have to hide their love away

Many people think cats are not affectionate because they have never gotten affection from a cat.

With that attitude, they never will.

As humans, we cannot do anything we are unable to imagine, first. So if we do not think a certain thing is possible, we do not even try. This is the roadblock many cats run into in their quest for homes.

• People "wind up" with a cat. 
• They hear cats are not affectionate.
• They don't make affectionate overtures.
• Cat thinks people are not affectionate.
• Love stalemate.

If we have every been puzzled about why people acquire and enjoy multiple cats, it's not that they are "animal hoarders" and it's not that they are delusional. They actually get affection from cats; so much that they want more.

Unfortunately, if we do not think cats are affectionate; we are not going to see cat lovers as rational beings making a sensible choice. If we do not understand when cats do make affectionate overtures, we will not know they want to be friends.

Simple ways people go wrong are easily fixed:

• Don't treat the cat as though they were a dog. They are not a dog.
• Many "pets" are actually threatening to cats; like bouncing our hand on their head.
• Invite the cat in; don't chase them down.
• Learn the cat's ways of showing they like us.
• Show the cat affection in a way they like.

For more about loving our cat in ways they understand, see Fixing cats who won’t cuddle.

Is it wrong to spoil our cat?

Sometimes, when we share that we've done something nice for our cat, another person will be negative about such a gesture.

You want to be careful, don't spoil the cat.

I am here to reassure everyone; we cannot spoil the cat by spoiling them. In fact, the whole point is spoiling them!

This is how we learn to love each other.

There are real concerns when it comes to spoiling a dog, or a child. In both cases, we cannot let them "have their way" because the dog will think that means they are The Boss, and the child... well, the child will think that means they are The Boss, too. And they are not; they cannot run things.

But our cat is different. Our cat actually can run things. Not giant corporations or ATM machines, but our cats are used to running things for themselves; and are happiest in our home when they do.

The more we let them choose their favorite foods, maintain the litter box the way they'd like, and offer them affection in a way they understand; the happier they are. In turn, the happier they make us.

Cats understand reciprocal affection. We don't have to "make" them love us. When we do nice things for them, they love us, and want to do nice things for them. Or, maybe, it's the other way around.

It doesn't matter, does it?

Play the ultimate cat game: the Game of Mutual Regard.

I don't want to visit. They have cats.

As the season for all sorts of holidays approaches, some of us might be dreading visits to people who have cats.

We don't like cats, we don't understand cats, and we think cats don't like us.

All of that can be fixed.

Many people just aren't comfortable with cats, and as soon as they broadcast that to the cats around them, they feel they are targeted or stalked. They are simply sending the wrong signals. What such people should do is fuss over the cat.

This will make the cat feel like we are coming on too strong, and might even try to sell them aluminum siding. They will leave.

If we want to make friends with a cat, use the technique I call Deliberate Avoidance. Look at the cat, until they start to look at us, then look away. Keep our body still. If we make eye contact, slowly open and close our eyes before looking away.

This will make us interesting and approachable.

We can think the cat doesn't like us because our overtures are getting rejected. So make an overture to the cat which cannot be rejected. Get an inexpensive toy, of the kind they like, and rub it on the backs of our necks, where our scent can be picked up. Make a fuss over leaving it on the floor, saying aloud, "And this is for Abernathy."

Abernathy will come to check it out. Even if that is after we have left. Next time, Abernathy will remember us fondly.


For more help in using these tips, see Making Friends with a Friend’s Cat.

How do I make my cat like me?

It seems difficult to make friends with our cats, until we remember the Golden Rule. We must treat the cat... the way they wish to be treated. NOT how we wish to treat them!

Maybe we are making one of the Three Big Mistakes of Cat Friendship?

Thinking they are a dog. Patting them firmly on the head, rough-housing with them, and expecting them to come when called every time; these are dog things. Not cat things.

Cats don't like being patted; they like being rubbed. Cats don't like to play rough; it's not that they like it, it's that many of them will not back down if they feel threatened. Cats will come when called; if we only call them for good things.

It doesn't make any sense to bring home a pint of chocolate fudge ice cream, and then complain it doesn't taste like bacon. Cats and dogs are two totally different kinds of pets. And they act like it.

Not seeing their signals. When cats peek at us from around a corner, or walk slowly through a room we are in, or go to sleep in our chair, what they are saying is they like us. They want to be near us and our things.

They are noticing us. Will we show friendship by noticing them back?

Cats are often subtle in their ways of showing friendship because they aren't sure about the reception their efforts will get. And if we don't realize they are making efforts, they feel hurt and neglected.

Wanting them to make the first move. Cats may not trust right away, especially if they had some bad experiences before they lived with us. Even kittens can want us to act more mature as they become cats and act more mature.

The biggest key to a cat's heart is to show that we want the cat's heart!

So seek them out when we come home, call them for treats or playtime, and make fools of ourselves over them. No one else is watching, and the cat won't tell.

Once we fuss over the cat, the cat is compelled to fuss over us.

Then they sit back to see if we can fuss more than they did. If we do, they will have to up the ante, too.

There's no end to love when we play that game.

There's many ways to make friends with our cats. Read more about getting the cat to love you.

Teach Cats to Love Cuddling

Why doesn't our cat like hugs? How can we get our cat to accept our affection? What happened to our huggable kitten?


Whoever raised the kitten, and that could be us, might have inadvertently taught the cat to dislike it.

We can train the cat to like it again.

We start with a fist. Yes, your reaction means this is something we don't think of. But to a cat, it doesn't mean you want to punch them. It means you won't grab them.

Start the game by lying on the floor, and reaching our fists to our cat, inviting them to smell it. Cats usually love having us down on the ground and will quickly show interest in us.

We offer them our fist, and then pet them with it.

Over several sessions, we pet them more, and we learn how this particular cat likes to be petted. The cat will show us by rubbing our fist with their body part. We don't go to another spot. We pet them at that spot.

Sometimes, cats lose their enjoyment of petting when they start getting big. Then we can't pick them up so well with grabbing hands; but we keep doing it. Cats find this awkward, and we can inadvertently hurt them.

So then they don't like getting picked up, and we get upset because they don't like getting picked up.

By the time we can hug them to us on the floor, we then start getting up with them in our arms. We have to do this slowly and carefully; dropping the cat would send the wrong signal.

For more about petting, see Fist of Friendship.

For more about picking the cat up, see The Forklift Move.

Dear Pammy, What if I ignore my cat?

photo of Elphaba, by Amy

This post has been moved to the new blog.


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